Just because bullying of children by children is in the news a lot doesn’t mean it’s new, growing, or done only by children. But it remains a problem – a very serious one for some children (see this ) – and “we will never address the bullying problem between our students if we don’t address it among ourselves,” writes educator Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes in her blog. I completely agree. We need to address bullying among ourselves not just for our own sake but for our children’s. How does this help them? Because the adults around them need to set good, not bad, examples for them and because – since the research shows quite simply that what goes ’round comes ’round (see this ) – our children will have better social experiences online and offline when the adults around them are teaching them respect toward others as well as modeling it. In other words, when we’re walking the talk!
So Wiseman wrote that helpful post (linked to above) about how adults can deal with adult bullies in the workplace. What about how parents can deal with adult bullies who are bullying their kids – e.g., teachers or coaches? Amy Jussel of ShapingYouth.org interviewed Wiseman, giving her six what-if’s – actual examples of adults’ abuses of power in students’ experiences – and asking her how she’d advise parents on how to help their kids deal with those situations (to get to the interview, scroll down this page to the third yellow box on it). I highly recommend this interview to teens as well as parents, even if they’re not aware of any such power abuses in their kids’ school lives, because it opens thought up to how all of us can respond to power abuses calmly, respectfully, and ethically – the only way to respond if there is any desire to stop cycles of retaliation and create school and workplace cultures of respect.
Related links
- Rosalind Wiseman’s good and bad examples in the Huffington Post of anti-bullying videos and PSAs (it’s important that schools get this right too – what to use and not use in teaching civil, respectful behavior)
- Alye Pollack’s “Words Do Hurt” video (linked to above) received a beautiful response in YouTube: “A Song for Alye Pollack,” posted and presumably written and performed by “JoeySixx1.”
I need help finding an organization to unit with that can help me. Yesterday my daughter went to work 4 hours after she had gotten there a parent drove up to my daughters job asked the manager for her and punched her in the mouth hit her head on the floor And stumbled her I the stomach. The adultwas not arrested because they said it was a misdemeanor.
I am so sorry to hear this, Shad. It sounds like you’re looking for legal advice. A good place to start might be Legal Services Corporation, which is funded by Congress. I hope you find the help you need.
Hi so this is actually a bit different from the other comments here. Instead I’m actually the child whose being bullied by an adult. This l started when I was 11 and I was always called out for doing something wrong or I needed to practise something without telling me on what I needed to work on. And if someone did the exact same thing as me, he would just let it off as if it was nothing? And recently because of the pandemic, people have obviously been keeping distance and we needed to clean our church up whilst also keeping distance and he said to me that either I stop moving around the building so much or I just stay in the car (keep in mind I was keeping my distance and wearing a face mask). And i found out later that day after asking my friends and a few other people that he didn’t say that to them and ONLY me. I honestly have no idea what I’ve done to him and I know I shouldn’t care but all of this has really lowered my self-confidence and I don’t even remember the last time I was even confident in myself. I’m 16 now going onto 17 in November but all of this still affects me.
So very sorry to hear this is happening to you, Jess. I hope there’s an adult who cares about you who you can talk with in person about this. Wishing you all the best.
We have a friend in his 40’s who bullies our 3.5 year old son. He speaks to him in a disrespctful manner, and sometimes he will smack him at the back of the head… it upsets my husband and me and as my toddler doesnt understand what is going on he is hurt and confused by thia behavior, but as this usually happens in a group setring we dont want to make a scene amd embarass his wife. We have seen him do similar things to other friend’s children and upset them to the point of crying. He expects them to think and act like adults. We are at a point now where we dont want our child any where near him. I have spoken to him before and it was ok for a while but then he went back to speaking aggresively to my child and always teasing him as well. It seems that we might have to end this friendship as our child comes first…I dont want to lose a friend over her husband’s behavior, but seeing as she isnt saying anything to him about what he is doing I just dont see another way. Any thoughts on this?
Hi Michelle. Absolutely your child comes first! There is no reason under the sun for him to be anywhere near an abusive adult. Is it possible for you to maintain the friendship with the man’s wife without socializing with her family? It sounds as if he may have a problem, in which case she might be afraid to confront him. In any case, as you said, nothing is more important than protecting your child.
So, i cpuldnt find the i interview link, so i will ask. What do you do when your child’s bully is a school mates parent? My daughter has been driven from dance, soccer and isolated from friends because this mom likes to gossip and judge my daughter without knowing her. Recently, i lost it at soccer practice before she quite because i over heard this mom bad talking my kid to another mom, and coaches. I was irrate, the coaches didnt hold it against my daughter she still got play time. But she eneded up hating soccer, some of the other girls would pass her the ball and told her she wasnt good enough to play. I know a few of the girls are listening to this mom amd not giving my kid a chance. But i am completely at a loss. How can i stop this from runing my childs experinces?
Erica, I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s heartbreaking to see our children being victimized, and so hard to know if, by stepping in, we’ll make things worse for them. I’m sure there is someone more qualified than me to talk with about this – ideally, someone experienced in mediating conflict, whether a school social worker or counselor (if the team is part of school) or a professional outside the school community. It’d probably be better to make that consultation your next step rather than taking further action yourself. I’m sure you’ve already talked with your daughter to get her thinking on what would work best for her.
[Incidentally, I checked the link you mentioned, thinking maybe it was broken because I wrote this post in 2014, it it’s good. If you have time, do read the interview with Rosalind Wiseman in that article. There is so much wisdom in her work at CulturesofDignity.com (See their blog at https://culturesofdignity.com/blog/).]
I hope this is a little helpful and wish you resolution for you and your daughter.
What do you do when the child’s parent is the one bullying them?
Bullying is often thought of as a school issue (student to student or teacher to student) but in my son’s case it’s his dad bullying him. It breaks my heart that he’s afraid to go to his house and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.
I’m so sorry to hear about this; it certainly does sound heartbreaking. Since this involves your child’s father, it sounds like something only your attorney or a court could advise you on. I hope you can get some good help with this. Sincerely,
Anne
The situation that I currently have is that my son’s football coach is bullying him to the point that my son has picked up that he (the football coach) doesn’t like him. He says my son is disrespectful when my son hasn’t said anything to him and every time he is asked to do something he does it. This coach has not wanted to coach all year he has had my husband do most of the coaching. The coach is a looser I don’t know why I let my heart hurt because I know this guy is a looser he doesn’t have a job his pregnant wife works 2 or 3 jobs to help the family. He can’t keep a job because he is lazy. I truly believe that the coach is jealous of my husband because he has a good job and know how to coach. For this reason he is bullying my child to get back at my husband.
I don’t like to ruffle feathers but I can see how my son is hurt because of this guys actions and it frustrates me to no end. We live in a small town so I just need to get this off my chest without anyone seeing it that may stir the pot even more.
I think that kids get bullied by adults and children, people in this world are mean sometimes.
I’m so sorry to hear this is happening, Julie.
When dealing with or responding to an adult bully I take the approach that one of the great leaders of world history former English Prime Minister Winston Churchill utilized when dealing with a bully. Push them back before they became to dangerous by standing up to them and by confonting them in a way in which you show strength. It is also a good idea to confront them in which you have the support of others. Those who are bullies if they feel as though you fear them or that you approve of their mistreatment and abuse they got you, and they will continue to bully you. It is sometimes wise to not say anything and to not respond at all, or to respond with humor. It is also wise to disegange and to have no fruther contact. It is also unwise not to stand up to them confront them as well. You must show that you are stronger than them or they will not back down and they often will get worse. It is also best to confront them on ones own turf.
ITHINK THIS HAPPENS WAY TO MUCH AND THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO BULLY AND SHUN CHILD ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WARM AND LOVING FOSTER PARENTS ,OR CARING ADULTS THERE SELF SOMETHING NEEDS TO STOP THERE HOW CAN ADULTS BLAME KIDS? this situaction iam in is there three half sibling and they dont envolve there half sister they have everyone but her soooo crul it should be a law they cant then they post it all over rub it in alittle so she knows they had fun and she wasnt invited i mean shes the only one not invited .how cruel theres so many doing it i wouldnt and dont know where to seek advice help out with suggestions please >thank you terri
Really good points. Obviously kids bullying kids is an important issue, but I get quite frustrated when bullying is framed as ONLY a kid problem. In fact, I’m currently working on an article about Megan Meier’s “MySpace suicide” (as dubbed my media) in order to complicate the narrative around bullying since the case involved a mom bullying a child.
Jacqueline, somehow I missed the message that you’d posted this and took way too long to allow it on the blog. I’ll be interested to know what your research turns up because it’s my understanding that, though Drew was widely reported as having directly bullied Megan, that wasn’t actually the case. It was my understanding that Drew condoned the setting up of a fake MySpace profile by her daughter and a peer of her daughter’s (one of them pleaded out and was used as a witness). Even the knowledge of that aggression is inexcusable, but it probably wouldn’t be considered bullying in itself. Not that adults don’t bully – they certainly do (bosses bully workers, and teachers even bully students) – but the Meier case wasn’t a clearcut example of that, to my knowledge.